oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
