Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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