I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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