I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize