I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
