Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
