so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize