i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
