Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
