I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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