From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
