my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
