I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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