I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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