...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
