Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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