One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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