I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
