happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
