If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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