I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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