glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
