we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize