My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
