we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
