I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think my fart just growled at me.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
