i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
