you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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