I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
