Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
