Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
