Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
