If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
