I smell stomach acid.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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