In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
