Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
