it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
