Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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