Dude my mom stole all your condoms
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
