i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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