So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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