the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
