I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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