I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
