I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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