i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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