Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
