So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
