If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
