don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
