I think my vagina is haunted
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
