I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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