Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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