The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
