3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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