i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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