either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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