I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
