I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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