Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
