apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
True strength comes from lack of pants
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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