I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
