You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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