And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
