Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
